head

santa had just visited the italian class, accompanied by tassilo's mom.

hannah: tassi, why does your mom always do everything?

tassilo: because she's the head room mother.

hannah: what does that mean, head?

tassilo: she's the king of room mothers.

hannah: oh, like the headmaster. he's our king.

tassilo: yeah, that's right.

hair

from jennifer:

"your hair looks like you're tired."

what a respectful way to tell your math teacher that it looks like she didn't comb her hair that day.

color

philip: miss a, what do you want for your birthday? a boyfriend?

me: sure.

sam: do you want a black one or a white one?

me: how about an italian one?

sam: oh, ok. so tan?

dance

one of the fluorescent lights in our classroom has started to flicker. (so annoying.) philip (who is not in my homeroom) saw it, shook his head, and muttered, "it's so unfair."

"why is it unfair, philip?" i asked.

"because your class could have a dance party every day. you have a disco light."

that's one way to look on the bright side.

mistake

oh, the difference one letter makes when you're an english language learner!

(imagine this with a stereotypical russian accent)

anna: miss a, you have boyfriend!

me: no, anna, i don't.

anna (to the class): guys, don't listen to her! she is just killing us!


(don't worry, though, i wasn't killing them...or even kidding, for that matter.)

eggs

upon seeing that i chose a hard-boiled egg from the lunch line,

sam: you don't like eggs!

me: who says?

sam: well, i don't like eggs!

me: so what makes you think that i wouldn't like eggs?

sam: well, we're related.

hot

me: does anyone feel hot?

everyone: no, it's ok.

me: i think it's pretty hot in here.

skye: take off your cardigan.

sam: take off ALL your clothes!

turtle

i'm no artist. i don't claim to be. but it did sting a little when matteo said:

"i think you should draw another turtle. and this time, give him feet instead of wheels."

smell

matteo was very enthusiastically telling etienne a story, to which etienne was listening attentively. when matteo was done, etienne excitedly turned to me, ready to share some fascinating tidbit from the story...

"matteo smells like batteries."

...or not.

conspiracy

while discussing barbarian tribes of the middle ages:

sebastian: so are the huns the most evil?

gad: no, the fbi is.

new

sara was changing her chair with the one at the empty desk next to her.

"sara, is there something wrong with your chair?" i asked her.

"no. but this one is fresher."

potato, potahto

etienne: my friend used to come here, but now he goes to prison school.

matteo (to me): he means juvy, right?

ceiling

while on our field trip to the planetarium, i watched connor wander around looking up at the black ceiling. not seeing what had his attention, i got closer until i overheard him muttering to himself, "that ceiling sure could use a little more pizzazz."

hobbies

docent from the art museum: look at the girl in this painting. what do you think her hobbies are?

tyler (very thoughtfully): i think she likes to do her homework. and probably turn it in on time.


(yeah, just like my hobbies are grading papers and nagging students to turn in their homework.)

list

i peeked at carson's to-do list:


1. study for astronemy test on tuesday
2. find a way to get money
3. find a way to get to mars by 2030

test

to my math class, after finishing standardized testing:

me: so how did you guys do on the math test last week?

students (all at once): ok...good...not great...bad

connor: i did great. they asked me to come back for an encore.

mother

from mother's day letters:

you are cool because you always pay to go on trips.
-sisi

when i'm 25 i'll still hold your hand.
-sophie

you are the best mom ever. you make the best diner.
-ethan

how about we go bolling for mothers day or you choose. you look so cute!
-tyler

i love you from every place in the universe and back.
-jaxon

i'd be dead by now without you. literally.
-jesse

i will even be there when i am 30!
-mikaela

you are a butterfly in the sky that loves pie. you are so peaceful and meaningful to me.
-sommer

you're not just a mom anymore! signed, your beloved one
-mollie

dad loves you more than the xbox 360. i love you more than space and hailee and noah love you more than the computer.
-hannah

happy mother's day!

lift

after i told the class i had started lifting weights, they wanted to know why. so i told them it was so that i could lift ryan (the scrawniest kid in class) more easily. every few weeks they'd want to check my progress, so i'd lift ryan to demonstrate my strength. one day, ryan was looking pretty smug (and scrawny) when someone suggested i lift him. he said, "i don't think you'll be able to do it this time." "why not, ryan?" i asked him. "because i had turkey on my sandwich today...my mom's been feeding me a lot of meat lately."

clean

connor was watching me give the white board a thorough cleaning:

"you need to put your back in it."

camels

we were making camels for the phrase "it was the last straw that broke the camel's back":

sophie: can we draw a background?

me: yes

emma: i know what I'm going to draw for my background.

me: what?

emma: a farm.

me: that's good. because there are lots of camels on farms.

emma: sometimes there are...maybe I'll draw pyramids.

explorer

some first graders were in our room looking at our display of native american houses and my students were staring at them in wonder:

jazman: what are they doing here?

kylee: i don't know, but that one looks like dora.

wings

about my move abroad for next school year:



jazman: i don't want you to go to move next year! you should stay here forever!

connor: it's time for her to spread her wings and fly.

?

connor: we will never be free.

me: why is that?

connor: because the spanish think we're a bunch of geeks.


try to explain that one. i dare you.

smoking

based on some comments she had made, i felt it necessary to clarify to fiona that although smoking is bad, smokers are not bad people. connor wanted to help me out, "yeah, most smokers are actually quite cheery."

notes

parent teacher conferences

me: so, there is a rule about not writing and passing notes, but it has become a problem lately that i wanted to make you aware of.

sommer's mom: sommer, did you know there is a rule about that?

sommer: no (which is totally untrue, by the way)

sommer's mom: well, now that you know that there is a rule, what will you do the next time someone passes you a note?

sommer: i'll read it and write back...i'll just be more careful now.

weirdo

a story by mikaela:

the people in my class!
there are 26 people in my class. some of the people in my class are weardos. for example, sophie, she is weard and funny. another werdo in my class is fiona. she is a wedo because she stares at miss a, altho that's creapy. another wedo in my class is mollie, she is weard because at recess she says "hug, hug, hug" and tries to hug boys. there are people in my class that are strange, like michael, he is strang because he wants girls to chase him, and well, usually the boy tries to escape the girl and be left alown with the other boys. another strang person is carson, he is strang because, well, i can't really name things that are strang about carson because everything he does is weard. well that is *all the weard and strang people in my class.


(*actually there are many more weard and strang people in our class, but i told mikaela she didn't have time to write a novel.)


and a gem from connor:

a funky funky storie
hello, i am connor. i was born in 1582. today is father's day. my son got me an ipod. his name is dodo. my wife got me a mustange. she is also my daughter. we got in my mustange and went to mcdonalds. i downloaded the blackeyed peas new cd on my ipod. that was the best father's day ever.


(nothing says funky like a daughter-wife)

tease

connor: they're teasing me about who i like.

me: ignore them.

connor: i don't like ignoring them. i'm the kind of guy who likes to take action.

news

every morning fiona reports to me the happenings of the previous night and the early morning:

"victoria [her little sister] smelled my breath this morning and said it smelled like bologna...but it was actually bacon."

also, "it's pretty much my fault that stanley steamer is coming to our house today. i was going to throw up in the bathroom, but i got some on the carpet and my mom cleaned it, but the carpet is still brown."

connor

without even trying, connor is one of the most entertaining students i've had:


he was laughing at something, then abruptly stopped and said, "actually, that's not funny. my brain can't tell the difference between lame or funny."

"i like action movies. they are violent movies, but i call it action. it sounds nicer that way, don't you think?"

it is common practice for me to give nicknames to my students: charleigh is charleigh bucket and jaxon is jaxon browne. connor one day had a great idea: "we should consider merging charleigh and jaxon. then we'd have charleigh browne in our class."

"i wish there was rock band for michael jackson's greatest hits. i'd even like rock band for michael jackson's crappiest hits."

the day after confessing that he had a crush on holland: "i don't really like holland. that was a cover up."

music

ethan: hey, miss a, have you heard of rascal flatts?

me: yeah, i have. are they country music?

ethan: yeah. well, actually i'm not sure. they're either country or city.

marry

christmas break was two weeks long, but apparently that's an eternity for a third grader:

emily: did you get married over the break?

me: of course not!

emily: i didn't think so. you're not the marrying type.

me (wincing): why not?

emily: you do fun things and go fun places and you have adventures. married people stay at home and watch tv. it's kinda weird.