smarts

heather always had lots of questions and, unfortunately, i don't always have the answer. we had gone off on a tangent about chemical properties of something and i was getting anxious to move on. i answered her last question with "i'm not sure about the answer, but when you get home you can look it up or ask your parents." heather visibly deflated and said, "but i can't do that! my parents aren't as smart as you!"

languages

our class was writing reports on south american countries and hailey's country of choice was brazil. i wandered among the desks and watched the students gather information. i got to hailey, who was very excitedly copying something from a book. she looked up and said, "i decided that in my presentation i'm going to teach the class some porgacheese." i did a double take and clarified, "teach them some what?" "porgacheese," she replied. "it's what they speak in brazil."

muscles

mya drew a picture of herself and her future husband in bathing suits lying on the beach. mya's depiction of her husband looked like a bodybuilder. when she showed me the picture, i complimented her on finding such an attractive husband. hearing this, jonathan looked over my shoulder, rolled his eyes, and went back to coloring his own picture. as he colored he said to mya, "how do you people always get such bulky husbands?"

relative

one day i noticed the striking resemblance between dallin and megan-bright blue eyes, light blond hair and dimples in both cheeks when they smiled. i asked if they were related and they both answered no. upon further thought however, dallin found the source of their resemblance and answered, "but she does know my grandma."

sugar

standardized tests were coming up and i was reminding the students of the importance of eating a good breakfast on test days. because my idea of a good breakfast differs from that of most third graders we named some examples of good breakfast foods: pancakes, bacon, eggs, oatmeal, fruit, toast, juice, milk. when caleb suggested cap'n crunch i told him that some cereals are good, but cap'n crunch has a lot of sugar in it. undaunted, he tried again several times: trix, fruit loops ("they have fruit in them," he said.), lucky charms, and so forth. the class and i tried to explain that all these cereals have a lot of sugar and aren't the healthiest choices. convinced that his breakfast favorites were nutritious, caleb finally exclaimed, "sugar CAN'T be bad. i eat tons of it!!"

kisses

at lunch colton offered clayton a hershey's kiss and said "do you want a kiss? it comes with a real kiss, too!" of course clayton declined and colton was delighted with his joke. thinking i'd give him a taste of his own medicine, i said to colton "i'll take you up on that offer!" i held out my hand and bent down, turning my cheek to colton and waited for him to scream "EW!" and run off. but, lo and behold, i got two kisses! i was so shocked that he did it that i was even more embarrassed than he was. colton calmly sat down and finished his lunch while the rest of the class howled with laughter.

speech

i asked victoria, who cannot pronounce /r/, how her speech session for the day went. she answered that it was fine and her best friend, emmi incredulously asked, "you go to speech?" victoria was surprised that emmi didn't know that she went to speech for her very obvious impediment and replied, "you didn't know that?" emmi, in her honest innocence, replied, "no, i didn't. i mean, i know you don't talk very well, but i didn't know you go to speech!"

drinks

jenecee was looking at a book about guyana and found a recipe she wanted to make. she started copying the recipe and then asked me, "is margarine beer or wine?" (pronouncing margarine with a hard /g/ sound) i smiled and told her that it was neither, but was similar to butter. all-knowing noah piped up, "i think she means margarita." i turned my attention to noah, surprised that an eight year old knew what a margarita is, and asked him what made him think that. "well, my mom orders margaritas all the time in restaurants. i don't, though, and my dad doesn't either. he prefers beer."

heroes

we were learning the geography of south america and i was telling the class about the pampas in argentina. i said that the pampas have a lot of grass and the argentine cowboys, or "gauchos", used the grass for their cows. a bewildered carli asked, "what do cows have to do with cowboys?" trying to suppress a smile, i told her that at one time cowboys were the men in charge of herding and taking care of cattle, and that cowboys aren't just men in boots that ride in rodeos. then heather piped up and said, "oh! i always thought cowboys were heroes!" when i asked her to explain she said, "cowboys always come and save the day, so i thought that cowboy was just another word for hero." in response, the usually quiet but sarcastic camille muttered, "so..what? superman's a cowboy?" finally, the rest of the class busted up with me.

actors

doing reader's theater once in a while can shake up the routine and my class was very enthusiastic about performing their short plays. one group had a script that ended like this:

farmer: if you work together you will be strong.

narrator: and the moral of the story is that working together brings strength.

all: the end

the group had decided that the farmer would read the part marked "all". they did a practice in front of the rest of the class and i followed along with my script. the farmer read the last part as, "all the end." i kept a straight face and explained that it said "all" because all the characters should say it together. they nodded that they understood. we tried the last part one more time and sure enough, they all said it loudly and in unison, "ALL THE END!"

reminiscence

i recently came across a journal i kept while student teaching second graders. turns out second graders are pretty funny too...


when sitting on the rug, our class needs constant reminders to "sit on their pockets." this way, everyone around them can see as well. the word pockets has evolved into a euphemism for bottom. evidence of this was chris, who sniffed the air around him and made a very unpleasant face and then declared, "it smells like somebody's pockets in here!" this caused quite a stir, during which ulysses said frantically, "it's not me! i always wipe my bottom!"


we were reading a ramona book and had just gotten to a part where ramona wishes she was grown up. i asked the students if they ever felt that way. they all said yes and i asked them why they wanted to be grown up. they gave the usual answers of being able to stay up late and play with their friends all the time. spencer, however, said that he wanted to be grown up so he could be a cannibal. "what?!" i exclaimed, thinking i had misunderstood him. he said again, very clearly and casually, "a cannibal." i asked him, "spencer, do you know what a cannibal is?" his reply was, "it's when you are responsible for yourself and your actions."

needs

clara was not in my class, but the other third grade class. she was, however, in my math class. one day i was wandering in and out of the desks, checking work and helping with problems. as i passed clara i heard her mutter, "i wish you were my teacher." i smiled and asked her, "why do you say that, clara? mrs. m is a great teacher. you're very lucky to have her." clara sighed the saddest of sighs. "she is a good teacher, but you're funnier. she tells us gross hospital stories, but it's not enough. she just doesn't satisfy me."

friends

one day after school colton came to my desk with a piece of paper and a pencil. "what's your phone number?" he asked. "i'm not giving you my phone number, colton," i replied. "why not? i want to invite you to come over and play," he said, desperately. i tried to hide a laugh, but was unsuccessful. colton, seeing this was not going the way he had planned, tried one more time: "i'll bring the pizza!!"

helpful

sometimes carli likes to stay in at recess to help her teacher with little odd jobs. usually this is fine with me, but sometimes i just need a break from all of them. this day i was unwrapping a tootsie roll for my "mid-morning snack." "carli, please go outside today," i said to the girl loitering at my desk. "can't i help you with something?" she asked sweetly. "not today, i just need a break." carli saw my tootsie roll. "do you need help with THAT?" she asked, grinning. "i think i can manage this on my own, i'm pretty good at it, thanks." and i popped it in my mouth. ever so helpful carli replied, "oh yeah, well I'M an expert."

enunciation

the day had just begun with our daily recitation of the pledge of allegiance when inquisitive heather raised her hand and asked, "what's a widgit?" "a what?" was my reply. "WIDGIT!" she repeated, slightly annoyed. "there's no such thing. it's not a word," i told her. "of course it's a word! ...and to the republic for WIDGIT stands!!"

bones

we had just finished a science unit on the skeletal system when chaz went to the doctor for a pain in his shoulder. the doctor asked him to show him where it hurt. chaz decided to show his newfound knowledge. "well, doctor, it started in sternum and before long spread to my clavicle. now the pain is mainly in my humerus."

authors

some excerpts from third grade writing:


i knew i'd have to run hard to make it to turd. there was someone already standing on turd, but when he saw me running to him he left turd and ran home.
-chaz

when i grow up i want to be a garbage truck or a pilot.
-parker

i want to be a math teacher when i grow up so i can grade papers and give speeches when kids forget their homework. that would be so much fun.
-brianna

one goal that my friend has is to go into the army. another goal is to not get killed in the army.
-carson

this is how my family is. we have a mom that's 35 and a dad that's 36 and a brother that's 13 and a sister that's 3 and a carli that's 8.
-carli

i'm terribly sorry that we acted in such an ill-mannered way.
-clara (an apology letter to the art teacher)

art

when introducing a poem that talks about the first thanksgiving, i asked the students to think about the things they ate for thanksgiving dinner. i had them come to the board and draw a food they associated with that holiday. among the turkeys and pies i noticed a beautifully drawn perfect cylinder. i pointed out all the pictures and made comments about each. when i got to the cylinder i said, "it looks like someone drinks cans of soda at thanksgiving." the artist piped up and said, "that's not soda. that's cranberries."

which

we kept the two christians straight by calling one christian a. (who is small), and the other, christian p. (who is average sized). one day while playing heads up seven up (you know this game), christian a. and 6 other students (among whom was NOT christian p.) were at the front while the rest of the class was trying to figure out who had touched their thumbs. one student thought christian a. had chosen him and guessed, "christian?" to which he replied, "what kind of christian?" as if we were discussing ice cream flavors or music preferences. apparently, i was the only one who thought this was a strange way to respond because the guessing student, unfazed, answered, "the short kind."

empty

brandon is an extremely cute kid with not a whole lot going on upstairs. one day in math he said something so far out there that i shook my head and muttered, "brandon, i would love to know what's in that head of yours." of course i wasn't expecting an answer, but brandon thought i was. "beans!" he announced, matter-of-factly. "my head's full of beans."

clap

jazlyn and chaz sat right next to each other. while looking at chaz, i called on jazlyn and it came out as chazlyn. third graders, of course, think that is just the most hilarious thing. so they spent the next few minutes combining each other's names. nicholas and bethany became nicholethany, gabe and caleb morphed to galeb and so on, each name more clever than the last. i decided that it was time to move on when jonathan shouted out his own creation, "JOHNORRHEA!!" jonathan was ignorant of the resemblance his word had to an unfortunate health condition, but to him, it was the perfect combination of john and victoria.

temptation

to help the students understand culture, we made personal culture boxes. they were shoeboxes set up like dioramas, but instead of dinosaurs, they contained family photos, special toys, favorite items and any other thing that showed the individual culture of each student. ben's culture box had the usual assortment of pictures and treasured items, but hanging from the shoe box, attached only with a piece of scotch tape, was a single cheeto. "ben," i said. "what does the cheeto represent?" he replied, "i just like them." fair enough. afternoon rolled around and presentation time arrived. ben stood up to share his culture box and i noticed a dangling piece of scotch tape, obviously missing a cheeto. "ben, where's your cheeto?" i asked. to which he replied, "i ate it...i couldn't help it."

hola

we had a special visitor one day. so i asked my students to introduce themselves by saying their names and one thing interesting about them-something no one else could say. most students seemed to think that playing soccer and liking art was unique. "my name is sarah and i'm good at soccer" and "my name is darian and i like art" were common responses. however, when we got to blond-haired brayden, he proudly declared, "my name is brayden and my dad's a mexican!"